For the first time in a long time (almost 4 years) I am actually starting to feel normal again, and all I can think about is how I wish my friend Kevin was here to see me now. As the four year anniversary of Kevin’s death approaches I have been reflecting on the past few years of my life, all of the mistakes that I have made, and all of the paths that I chose not to take.
I lost my friend Kevin suddenly in August 2008 and it seems that I have been in a downward spiral both personally and professionally ever since. As I tried to continue on with my life without my friend I had trouble finding my place in the world. I started to blame everything and anything that was wrong with my life on my boyfriend, I started spending money compulsively, I lost all interest in my personal appearance, I started fighting (literally) with my family, and I changed jobs five times in the last four years. It is hard to find your place in a world without your best friend.
There are many emotions that people experience while dealing with the tragic loss of a friend or family member and those emotions are magnified when the loss is sudden. When a friend or family member is suddenly taken out of our lives we can’t seem to see life clearly. We don’t have time to say all of the things that we wanted to say and we don’t have time to truly deal with our feelings. Therefore we are blinded with several different emotions such as anger, regret, and sadness. We end up floating through life without really paying attention to and focusing on any one thing in particular.
After one and a half years at the same job and finally knowing where I want to go in life (at least for now) I have decided to stop talking about all of the things that I want to do in life and I have started making changes towards accomplishing my personal goals. I am returning to school to study Journalism, I have started editing my first novel, and I am also searching for publishers and book agents to help get my career as an author off the ground. If being a world famous author whose books are made into blockbuster movies isn’t in my life plans at least I can say that I tried and I will humbly accept my professional fate.
I am extremely happy that I am finally focusing on myself and all of the things that I want to accomplish in life. I am happy that my head finally seems to be a little less clouded with emotions and I am happy to be focusing on my priorities. However, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my friend is not here to share this experience with me.
Kevin was the first friend that I ever made when I moved from London to Montreal and we definitely did a lot of growing up together during our seven years of friendship. We shared good times and bad times, happy times and sad times, and I just wish that he was here right now to share my happiness. But who knows, maybe if Kevin was still in my life maybe my life would be completely different.
There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think about Kevin, about how much I miss him, and about how much I wish that he was still here. Happiness just doesn’t seem as rewarding when you don’t have your best friend to share it with.