Waking Up From a Bad Dream

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Me with my younger sister Tara Marie

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night in a panicked sweat. I had a very bad dream about my younger sister Tara Marie and afterwards I couldn’t fall back asleep.  My sister Tara Marie and I haven’t been close since my family’s breakup almost two years ago. Actually that is not even true, Tara Marie and I have never really been very close, but over the last two years we have definitely drifted even further apart.

There are probably a number of reasons why my sister Tara Marie and I are not close which include my jealously towards her, the fact that I was a really awful older sister when we were growing up (I’m actually still not a great older sister) as well as the fact that we lived in separate households when my parents got divorced.  However just because we aren’t close doesn’t mean that I don’t care about her, it also doesn’t mean that I want anything bad to happen to her; it just means that sometimes it’s easier for two people to be apart than it is for them to be together.

When I woke up from my bad dream I immediately wanted to call my sister and then I realized that I don’t even have her phone number. I am sure that this is not normal, but unfortunately this is just how it is. Since I don’t have Tara Marie’s phone number I decided to write her an email to check in with her, make sure that everything was ok, and be assured that my bad dream was really just a dream.

I wanted to send Tara Marie an email and write all of the things that I cannot say, I wanted to tell my sister that I miss her every single day, I wanted to tell her that I wish we had a different childhood, I also wanted to tell her that I wish that we had a different relationship now that we are both adults, but I didn’t.  Too much time has gone by and so many things have not been said over the years that I am not even sure if our relationship can be repaired.

I don’t want to live with regrets, but how can I fix a relationship with my sister that has practically taken a lifetime to ruin?

Love Always,

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Medical Myths Shattered by My Doctor!

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This post is dedicated to my friend Andrea from So Over This who inspired me to visit my doctor and get an annual check-up.

Dear Diary,

Over the past few weeks I have not been feeling well.  I have been lethargic and tired.  I have been lacking the motivation to do anything above my basic necessities every day; it started to make me nervous (and a bit paranoid) because this is definitely not normal.  I usually like to be busy and I usually always have something to do, so the fact that I haven’t been getting a lot accomplished over the past few weeks has definitely taken a toll on my morale.  I wasn’t getting anything accomplished because I wasn’t feeling well, but not getting anything accomplished started to stress me out, and that was making me feel worse. It has been a horrible cycle.

I finally decided to stop worrying about not feeling well and actually find out if something was physically wrong with me.  I made an appointment with my doctor to get an annual check-up.  I made a list of questions to ask during my doctor’s appointment because I wanted to leave my doctors office completely satisfied that I was healthy.

My test results were clear, they showed nothing abnormal in my blood or anywhere else in my body. This was definitely a relief and my stress level immediately dropped. However, afterwards I started thinking that maybe my sadness was not a physical problem, but a mental one.  Depression affects several people in both my immediate and my extended family, all I can do now is hope that I can snap out of my lethargic sad mood in the short term before it becomes a more serious long term condition.

I encourage everyone to visit their doctor for a full checkup on an annual basis.  I also suggest that if you aren’t feeling well you should book an appointment with your doctor sooner rather than later.  If something is physically wrong it’s always better to know than not to know; the sooner you discover that something is wrong, the sooner you can start to treat the condition. Don’t be shy to ask your doctor questions, I asked my doctor several questions about general physical health and honestly I was surprised to hear his answers.

Did you know?

1. Bathroom Germs are Overrated. People’s phobias of public bathroom germs are often blown out of proportion.  It is no secret that public bathrooms are dirty and full of germs, but people can’t catch as many incurable diseases as we think we can from public bathrooms.  This is great to know but I am still never sitting my bare butt down on a public toilet seat.

2. Not all Fiber is Good.  My doctor suggested that my diet could be the cause of my tiredness and lack of energy.  He suggested that I increase my protein and cut down my carbohydrates as well as my sugar intake.  He also mentioned that too much fiber in our diets can actually be harmful to our bowel system.  Oat fiber is OK, but wheat fiber should be eaten in moderation.

3. Generic Drugs Are Not The Same.  Every month when I pick up my perscriptions the pharmactist offers me the generic version of my medication. He assures me that the generic version of my perscriptions is the exact same as the name brand, but my doctor confirms that this is not true.  Although the generic version of medications has the same ingredients as the name brand, the mixture (strength) can vary between 80% to 120%; therefore our intake of the medication can vary each month.  He also confirmed that the generic brand one month may not be the exact same generic brand as the next month, it depends on which medications the pharmacy buys.  So next time your pharmasist offers you the generic version of your medication, polietly decline the offer.

Love Always,

Photo by Cristiano Betta

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I am So Over It.

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Dear Diary,

This is a rant. I am sorry to ruin your happy day, but I have a lot of angry emotions boiling up inside of me.  I can’t think of another way to release my tension other than ranting about it.

Do you ever have one of those days when it seems like nothing, absolutely nothing, is going right? Do you ever spend hours planning something and then it doesn’t go exactly as you wanted it to? Well I am having one of those days, weeks, and maybe even months. I am so over not being able to communicate with people, I am so over feeling sad, I am so over having regrets, and I am definitely so over being constrained.

I live in a province where the primary language is not my mother tongue. I have lived here for over 10 years and although I do consider myself to be bilingual my second language will never become my mother tongue.  I want to live somewhere where I can understand everything that everyone is saying all the time, I want to live somewhere where I don’t have to translate everything, and I don’t want to be somewhere where I am forced to speak a language that I absolutely do not want to.

I am so over fighting with my Dad.  I will never forgive him for the mistake he made a year and a half ago when his Girlfriend violently attacked me, and I will never forgive him for not trying to correct the situation and bring our family back together over the last 18 months. I don’t want to live a life where every conversation that I have with my Dad ends up in a fight, but unfortunately that is currently the life I am stuck in.

I miss my friend Kevin every day and I have so many regrets about our friendship.  Kevin was always there for me and he was the first real friend that I made when I moved to Montreal. I regret the wrong choices I have made, I regret not supporting him more during his illness, and I absolutely regret not calling him on the day that I was supposed to.  If I had not been so absorbed in my own little world I would have remembered to call Kevin when I was supposed to, and I would have had a chance to speak with him one last time before he passed away.  Living in a hospital must be lonely and I should have visited him more often than I did.  I let my own fears overcome Kevin’s need for companionship; and I regret that I was not a better friend to him.

There are so many things that I want to do and so many places that I want to go but I don’t do them or go there because I feel constricted by my life.  I always have to be the responsible person and this makes me feel like I am living in a bubble. I know that being responsible is a part of being an adult, but seriously I am so over paying bills, paying rent, and living in a routine.

I want to move to New York City but I am constrained by my financial obligations in Canada as well as the US immigration laws.  I want to finish writing my books, find an agent, and have the trilogy published because writing is my real passion; but I just don’t have enough free time to work on them.  I work a lot because I have financial and debt obligations.  Any free time that I do have is spent catching up on all of my missed sleep.

The more I write down all of the things that I want to achieve and the reasons why I am not working towards them I am wondering if we are only constrained by our own excuses?

Love Always.

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