Waking Up From a Bad Dream

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Me with my younger sister Tara Marie

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night in a panicked sweat. I had a very bad dream about my younger sister Tara Marie and afterwards I couldn’t fall back asleep.  My sister Tara Marie and I haven’t been close since my family’s breakup almost two years ago. Actually that is not even true, Tara Marie and I have never really been very close, but over the last two years we have definitely drifted even further apart.

There are probably a number of reasons why my sister Tara Marie and I are not close which include my jealously towards her, the fact that I was a really awful older sister when we were growing up (I’m actually still not a great older sister) as well as the fact that we lived in separate households when my parents got divorced.  However just because we aren’t close doesn’t mean that I don’t care about her, it also doesn’t mean that I want anything bad to happen to her; it just means that sometimes it’s easier for two people to be apart than it is for them to be together.

When I woke up from my bad dream I immediately wanted to call my sister and then I realized that I don’t even have her phone number. I am sure that this is not normal, but unfortunately this is just how it is. Since I don’t have Tara Marie’s phone number I decided to write her an email to check in with her, make sure that everything was ok, and be assured that my bad dream was really just a dream.

I wanted to send Tara Marie an email and write all of the things that I cannot say, I wanted to tell my sister that I miss her every single day, I wanted to tell her that I wish we had a different childhood, I also wanted to tell her that I wish that we had a different relationship now that we are both adults, but I didn’t.  Too much time has gone by and so many things have not been said over the years that I am not even sure if our relationship can be repaired.

I don’t want to live with regrets, but how can I fix a relationship with my sister that has practically taken a lifetime to ruin?

Love Always,

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I am So Over It.

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Dear Diary,

This is a rant. I am sorry to ruin your happy day, but I have a lot of angry emotions boiling up inside of me.  I can’t think of another way to release my tension other than ranting about it.

Do you ever have one of those days when it seems like nothing, absolutely nothing, is going right? Do you ever spend hours planning something and then it doesn’t go exactly as you wanted it to? Well I am having one of those days, weeks, and maybe even months. I am so over not being able to communicate with people, I am so over feeling sad, I am so over having regrets, and I am definitely so over being constrained.

I live in a province where the primary language is not my mother tongue. I have lived here for over 10 years and although I do consider myself to be bilingual my second language will never become my mother tongue.  I want to live somewhere where I can understand everything that everyone is saying all the time, I want to live somewhere where I don’t have to translate everything, and I don’t want to be somewhere where I am forced to speak a language that I absolutely do not want to.

I am so over fighting with my Dad.  I will never forgive him for the mistake he made a year and a half ago when his Girlfriend violently attacked me, and I will never forgive him for not trying to correct the situation and bring our family back together over the last 18 months. I don’t want to live a life where every conversation that I have with my Dad ends up in a fight, but unfortunately that is currently the life I am stuck in.

I miss my friend Kevin every day and I have so many regrets about our friendship.  Kevin was always there for me and he was the first real friend that I made when I moved to Montreal. I regret the wrong choices I have made, I regret not supporting him more during his illness, and I absolutely regret not calling him on the day that I was supposed to.  If I had not been so absorbed in my own little world I would have remembered to call Kevin when I was supposed to, and I would have had a chance to speak with him one last time before he passed away.  Living in a hospital must be lonely and I should have visited him more often than I did.  I let my own fears overcome Kevin’s need for companionship; and I regret that I was not a better friend to him.

There are so many things that I want to do and so many places that I want to go but I don’t do them or go there because I feel constricted by my life.  I always have to be the responsible person and this makes me feel like I am living in a bubble. I know that being responsible is a part of being an adult, but seriously I am so over paying bills, paying rent, and living in a routine.

I want to move to New York City but I am constrained by my financial obligations in Canada as well as the US immigration laws.  I want to finish writing my books, find an agent, and have the trilogy published because writing is my real passion; but I just don’t have enough free time to work on them.  I work a lot because I have financial and debt obligations.  Any free time that I do have is spent catching up on all of my missed sleep.

The more I write down all of the things that I want to achieve and the reasons why I am not working towards them I am wondering if we are only constrained by our own excuses?

Love Always.

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Merry Christmas Everyone!

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Another year has passed and it’s Christmas Time again.  This time last year I was not in the Christmas Spirit because of all the drama with my Dad and the Evil Step Witch.  Last year I basically slept through Christmas; but this year I am determined not to let them ruin my holiday season.

This year I am celebrating Christmas complete from A to Z.  I bought and wrapped Christmas Presents, I sent out Christmas Cards, and I am attempting to cook Christmas Dinner…I even bought and decorated a Christmas Tree.

So far my holidays have been great and I am definitely looking forward to loving life and learning to love myself n the New Year.  I would love to say that I plan to live a drama free life in 2012, but unfortunately that won’t be possible as long as my Dad is living with the Step Witch.

I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas, and I hope that you are all celebrating the holidays with a lot of cheer and a ton of love.  I have to admit that I am a little bit sad that I won’t be celebrating the holidays this year with my family, but I am happy have a drama free holiday season.  I guess that is what life is all about, growing up and starting our own traditions!

Happy Holidays Everyone! Good Luck to all of the Boxing Day Shoppers.

Here are some festive pics from my apartment:

My Christmas Tree…Pre Deco

Presents for my Boyfriend


Lovin the Stocking Stuffers

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Sometimes We Just Need a Friend!

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Good Morning Everyone.  Today is a very special day for me because today is the very first guest post here on My Diary Entry.  This blog is normally used for my personal thoughts and feelings; I use it as cheap therapy.  However today is going to be different.  If you are a regular visitor here on My Diary Entry then you know that I like to volunteer my time for various charities.  I prefer to volunteer my time rather than donate money because time is more valuable and it also gives me a chance to meet some great people.

David Haas is a Guest Blogger at the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance.  He recently reached out to me and asked if he could write a guest post on My Diary Entry about the different support services that are available for families dealing with cancer.  David knows from reading my blog that I support various charities such as The Weekend to End Women’s Cancers as well as Ovarian Cancer Canada, so of course I was more than happy for David to write a guest post.

Whenever we are going through a though time in life I feel that our support system of friends, family, co-workers and public services can help make the tragedy a little bit easier.  I hope that you enjoy this guest post by David Hass about the Support Networks for Cancer Patients and their Families!

“Though medical advancements are providing better treatment for cancer patients, there are still some things that the medical community cannot provide their cancer patients. Radiation treatment, chemotherapy and surgery can help cure the cancer, but it cannot cure a patient’s state of mind — their well-being. 

Cancer support networks, though very valuable, are not widely promoted by peers, medical authorities and other professionals. Yes, many doctors recommend support groups to their patients, but most doctors do not stress just how important these groups are to patients. 

I have a friend who battled mesothelioma — for privacy purposes, we’ll call him John. Along John’s journey with cancer, his doctor gave him much information, but his doctor could never give him the type of support that his cancer survivor network gave him. While recovering from the treatments, John attended these group sessions, learning new things about other patients and gaining advice from patients who were in remission. These members were able to help each other emotionally, something that the doctors, and even many friends, could not do. 

John learned how to stay optimistic, and the doctors even told him that his optimistic mindset was helping him recover. Positive thinking and optimism helps release special neurological signals to important body functions, such as the immune system. 

Cancer support networks offer unique information

Your doctor can tell you the facts about your condition; they can tell you about your future treatments and what the side effects will be. However, your fellow peers in the support group can tell you what worked for them in their fight with disease.

Patients in remission return to their support groups to help new patients, giving them information that no doctor has. Helpful tips, advice and opinions are only a few things that experienced cancer patients can offer.

Support groups are not just for patients

Many patients’ friends and family members attend these types of groups to get a first-hand look at what it is really like to live life with cancer. Too much surprise, many people discover that cancer patients who attend these groups have a very positive outlook on life; they embrace their future with complete confidence.

The uplifting tone creates a special atmosphere, an atmosphere that accomplishes amazing things. 

If you have cancer or you know someone who has cancer, find a support group near you. It is very important for every cancer patient in any stage of their condition to attend these groups and be surrounded by genuine people who know exactly what you are going through.”

This document also lists specific studies and research findings on the benefits of cancer networks.

Check Out David Haas at The Mesothelioma Blog.

Photo by Jesslee

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